Screwing Up Bollywood

Last year, some moron in bollywood went on a mission to torture the 1 billion people in India and remade a classic called DON. To say the movie was bad would be an insult to bad movies.
DON was so bad, it should not be called a remake cos it did not 'make' anything but destroy the original. It should be called a 'screwup'.
Now I hear that a bigger moron is trying to remake Sholay, the greatest movie in the history of mankind.
People high on crack should not be allowed to make movie!! I mean Sholay? It is like me trying to remake Coca Cola. I'll end up making monkey piss if I did that (not that I have tasted monkey piss).
And that's what this director is going to do: Screwup Sholay - I have no doubt about it. Someone shoot this guy before he completes the film. He is a bigger threat than Gabbar himself.
Now I hear Amar Akbar Anthony, Chupke Chupke, and Satte Pe Satta (all Bachchan classics, mind you!) are going to be remade.
Why jackasses, why? Can't your termite infested brains not borrow something from Hollywood instead? You guys are good at it anyway.
You might say there is nothing wrong in remakes. King Kong has had as many remakes as Laloo Prasad Yadav's kids and Elizabeth Taylor's marriages. Well, you are wrong!
There is something greatly wrong. Movies like King Kong should be remade because they have special effects which get better. So instead of the 1933 classic that used a plastic monkey, you can have a computer generated one (in the new one though you had Michael Jackson without make up playing the title role). Sholay, Satte Pe Satta etc used no special effects. There is nothing to add, only things to subtract. Get it, morons?

1933 King Kong with a plastic monkey	2005 King Kong with Michael Jackson

So what is this remake shit anyway, and why do people do it?
Well lets see...
Remakes are not a new concept. The 1994 live action marriage documentary called Hum Aapke Hain Koun was a remake of an old film called Nadiya Ke Paar that starred two actors no one cares about.
Then Dil To Pagal Hai, Kuch Kuch Hota Hai, and Veer Zaara were remakes of Dilwale Dulhaniya Le Jayenge, although they didn't admit it.
They followed the same story: SRK loves a girl who is getting married to some other guy. After 2+ hours of glycerine, SRK gets the girl in the last frame. Yay!
I can't imagine they made 4 films on the same subject and they all minted cash while we could not accept 3 Bhagat Singh films! Weird people we Indians are.

Anyway, what is the motivation behind remaking? The morons who make the remake claim it is to bring 'old art' to the 'new generation'. Total BS (read as BullS**t)! Why don't they remake the art movies of Naseruddin Shah like Sparsh? Why only the superhits of the past?
So the incentive seems simple - "proven formula hai bhaiya paisa banane ka" ("Its a proven formula to mint money").
And anyway, originality is always optional when it comes to our movies and we have seen we are as incapable of coming up with something new as a Maruti 800 winning a 100m race against a Ferrari.

So, my advice is: Please don't touch the originals! Leave them as they are. But considering how incapable you guys are in coming up with something original, here is some gyan for you:

1. If you want to copy, copy from Hollywood. They make better movies anyway! And less people have seen the original.

2. Please cast the characters properly. One part of a remake is to see how modern icons play the old ones. Eg SRK playing Bachchan in DON. Here is an example on how not to cast:

RGV Ke Sholay

• Bachchan is Gabbar: Why Mr Bachchan why? Why did you want some mentally retarded fella meddle with your classic?
• Devgan is Veeru: Well.. if there is one person in the who feels that Devgan can play a philanderer like Dharamji, i'll marry Rakhi Sawant and endure a painful life.
• Some newbie is Jai: Tell me, how can some anonymous guy who looks worse than Uday Chopra pull off a character immortalized by Bachchan.
• Nisha Kothari is Basanti: Nisha, I love you. Marry me please.
• Sushmita is Radha: Guys comm'on.. Sushmita is an Alpha Female. She cannot play a sad widow. I think Rakhi Sawant playing Meerabai is more appropriate than this.
• Mohanlal is Thakur Baldev Singh: I like Mohanlal but in my wildest imaginations, he is not stylish. Sanjeev Kumar was stylish, the way he spoke with a permanent anger. Mohanlal.. no no no.

Well here is what it should have been:
Laloo Prasad Yadav as Gabbar
Saif as Veeru
Akshay Kumar as Jai
Amisha Patel as Basanti
Amrita Rao as Radha
Atal Bihari Yajpayee as Thakur Baldev Singh

See Ram Gopal, doesn't this make my movie more interesting than yours in an instant? And you did months of research to get your morons (that doesn't include you Bachchanji and Nisha.. muah!).
But well, I'll never dare to remake Sholay.
So next time you decide to screwup a classic. Use some of my gyan.

3. Please don't use songs of the originals. That's the least you can do. I see enough remixes with women wearing my 3 year old sister's skirts. I don't need remixes in movies too.

I'll keep the gyan short as I know you guys are too stupid to absorb much anyway.

So that's what remakes are - screwups of the classics. I hope one day some iota of intelligence goes into the brains of our filmmakers and they decide to end their sacrilegious practices.

1st Ande Tamatar Awards Nominees

Best Picture
Aparichit
Krrish
Lage Raho Munnabhai
Omkara
Rang De Basanti

Best Director
Rajkumar Hirani (Lage Raho Munnabhai)
Karan Johar (Kabhi Alvida Naa Kehna)
Rakesh Roshan (Krrish)
Vishal Bharadwaj (Omkara)
Rakeysh Mehra (Rang De Basanti)

Best Actor
Vikram (Aparichit)
Aamir Khan (Fanaa)
Hrithik Roshan (Krrish)
Sanjay Dutt (Lage Raho Munnabhai)
Aamir Khan (Rang De Basanti)

Best Actress
Amisha Patel (Ankahee)
Aishwarya Rai (Dhoom 2)
Kangana Ranaut (Gangster)
Alice Patteson (Rang De Basanti)
Amrita Rao (Vivah)

Best Actor in Supporting Role
Arshad Warsi (Lage Raho Munnabhai)
Saif Ali Khan (Omkara)
Siddharth (Rang De Basanti)
Sharman Joshi (Rang De Basanti)
Kunal Kapoor (Rang De Basanti)

Best Actress in Supporting Role
Payal Rohatgi (36 China Town)
Shruti Seth (Fanaa)
Konkana Sen Sharma (Omkara)
Rimii Sen (Phir Hera Pheri)
Soha Ali Khan (Rang De Basanti)

Best Music
Himesh Reshammiya (Banaras)
Jatin-Lalit (Fanaa)
Pritam (Gangster)
Vishal Bharadwaj (Omkara)
A R Rahman (Rang De Basanti)

Best Lyrics
Sayeed Quadri (Mujhe Mat Roko / Gangster)
Gulzar (Beedi / Omkara)
Gulzar (Namak / Omkara)
Prasoon Joshi (Rang De Basanti / Rang De Basanti)
Anwar Maqsood (Yeh Hai Meri Kahani / Zinda)

Best Playback Singer (Male)
Himesh Reshammiya (Kitna Pyaar / Banaras)
Sonu Nigam (Bande Mein Tha Dum / Lage Raho Munnabhai)
Sukhwinder Singh (Omkara / Omkara)
Daler Mehndi (Rang De Basanti / Rang De Basanti)
Bappi Lahiri (Bombai Nagariya / Taxi 9211)


Best Playback Singer (Female)
Alisha Chinoi (Aaj Ki Raat / Don)
Sunidhi Chauhan (Beedi / Omkara)
Rekha Bharadwaj (Namak / Omkara)
Lata Mangeshkar (Lukka Chuppi / Rang De Basanti)
Shibani Kashyap (Zinda Hoon Mein / Zinda)

Best Background Score
Shankar Ehsaan Loy (Don)
Ram Sampat (Family)
Salim-Suleiman (Fanaa)
Salim-Suleiman (Krrish)
A R Rahman (Rang De Basanti)

Endnotes:
1. I may not have seen all films, but the fact I have not seen a particular film means that I don't even consider it worthy of my time, and, as a result, is automatically rejected.
2. The awards like best comedian, villain, newcomer etc have been canceled. They make no sense.
3. As for the other awards like screenplay, editing, I simply don't know how to judge them. So I won't.
4. If you are shocked at my choice of the best actress and the best supporting actress, I shall give you a hint about the selection criteria - it is not good acting. Go figure!
5. If you disagree with my nominations, you are wrong.

Ande Tamatar (Eggs n Tomatoes) Awards 2007

Just yesterday, I had an idea.. an excellent business idea : A 24 hour channel on bollywood film awards. Considering the number of award functions, I'm sure i can run a 24x7 channel and have enough footage for the whole year.
It took Dilip Kumar 8 years to get 8 awards for the best actor. Today, it takes 1 to get that many. Ridiculous, simply ridiculous - it seems like a fashion - "jeb mein bahut paisa hai.. chalo awards function shuru karen". Have some brains guys (I'm talking to the organizers of shitty dime-a-dozen, no-one-cares award shows). Because of some people like you, the whole award things is a freakin' joke.
I can't imagine I actually took the pains to compile the list of all the awards and give my comments on them. For some of you who don't know how bad the situation is, here's some painful trivia:

1. Filmfare - Filmfares are technologically the most advanced awards in the world. Seriously. You would not believe that they use a high fundoo computer program for determining their awards. Here is snippet of their computer program I found when I hacked into their system (confidential):

if (film.productionhouse = "big banner")
then (best picture = film.name
best actor = film.hero
best actress = film.heroine
best director = film.director);

High tech, isn't it?
In fact, my 3 year old sister could probably guess the awards even without watching a single film. They normally have a package deal - Best Actor, Actress, Picture, and Director normally given to the same picture (Ek lo, teen muft).
Someone needs to tell the jackasses behind the awards that box office success does not equate to a good picture. The Indian viewing public is stupid (Don was a hit and Omkara below average.. need I say more?) . And the fact that they are the Oscars of bollywood shows the state we are in.

2. Star Screen Awards - The critics award. Probably the Golden Globe equivalent - the second most prestigious. I like them generally except for when the jury tries to be extra smart, eg 1995 Best Music - Rajesh Roshan for Karan Arjun AND NOT A R Rahman for Rangeela.
Gosh.. they need to make sure deaf people do not make it to the jury.

3. IIFA - The reason they exist is that they are held outside India so C grade actors like Ashmit Patel and Rakhi Sawant (more like Z grade) can travel the world for free. On top of that, a star football match where hairy guys wearing knickers try to play 'touch football' (coz they are barely able to reach the football, a goal is given if they able touch it). And yes, they come up with the craziest of nominations - Janasheen for best picture, what a joke. But Bachchan is their brand ambassador and so I won't say anything more.

4. Zee Cine Awards - Sony TV telecasts Filmfare, Star does Star Screen, so how can Zee be left out. And yes, they are the family awards, why? Because the stars don't bother to attend the awards and it is upto the family members to collect the awards on their behalf. Good for family bonding. And how can I forget, they give some of the most ridiculous awards - Eg. Shahrukh Khan given a special award for giving 2 hits in 2003 (Kal Ho Naa Ho and Chalte Chalte). What the heck on earth is that?

5. Sansui Awards - Why do you exist, seriously, why?





6. GIFA - I would have asked you the same question as #5, but I have another more important question to ask - why can't you wait for the calendar year to finish before giving out awards. It's like giving the world cup before the final is played. Please get some sense from somewhere.



7. Apsara Awards - Touted as the 'Oscar' of bollywood (well, they compete with Filmfare for that title), Apsara's distinguishing factor is that it follows the lunar calendar, coming up with time periods like April 04 - Mar 05. What nonsense? And yes, the supposed 'Oscars', the last time I saw them, were held in a small dining hall of a hotel.. wooh, that's big scale, yah? And when are they held next, you never know. They are second only to the monsoons when it comes to being erratic.

8. Bollywood Movie Awards - Holding awards outside India seems to be fashion. And by now you know why - a vacation on sponsor's money for the whole industry. Bollywood Movie Awards are clearly the flag bearer of Indian awards. Just go to their site and you'll know why. I think my 3 year old sister can make a better site if I taught her HTML for 20 minutes. And I have one request from those who visit, go to their contact us page and mail them a calendar as they have nominated Aashiq Banaya Aapne and Kabhi Alvida Naa Kehna in the same year.

Well, that's not all, there are more too and I could not be bothered about them. But at least now you know that next time you run out of ideas for your little sister's birthday party, you can always have a film awards night to celebrate it.

My last few words of advice (some gyan) for all award shows:
1. I hate the performances. I simply hate them. I see enough song and dance in every film; I don't need stage shows. It takes you 5 hours to give 20 awards. Argh.. watching you all is a pain. If you like performances, have it after the awards so that I can sleep early on the night of the telecast.
2. Best Actor in a comic role and Best Actor in a negative role are stupid awards. They were created in the days when Prem Chopra was always a bad guy and Mehmood was always the funny sidey. They were to honor these artists. Today, the film's 'hero' can be a gunda (Omkara) or a terrorist (Fanaa). He can even have an affair (Kabhi Alvida Naa Kehna). So the award for the comedian and the villian makes no sense today. If you still wanna keep them, have awards for the best actor in a tragic role, best mom, best dad, best item number girl, best chaprasi also.
3. Instead of coming up with wild ideas to honor SRK (like '2 hits in one year' award), make an award called SRK Award and just bloody give him the award.. ok!! (I am an SRK fan, by the way for those who hate me for saying this).
4. I know sponsorships are nice, but please don't over do it. It doesn't sound nice when the most prestigious film award in the country is called something like 'Fair and Lovely Filmfare Award'.
5. Please follow the solar calendar when considering films for the awards.
6. The awards are for Hindi movies, and not for actors of Indian origin only. So please don't leave out foreign actors like you did in Lagaan.
7. In a three-hero project, the bigger star is not always the only lead actor and the smaller stars (comparative terms I say) are not necessarily supporting actors. This logic is worse than the 'dog ate my homework' excuse. Eg. Yuva : Ajay lead actor, Abhishek and Vivek, supporting. Kabhi Khushi Kabhi Gham: Shahrukh lead actor, Bachchan and Hrithik, supporting. What nonsense! That also goes for 2 hero and 3+ hero projects by the way, jackasses!

That's all from me. Hope some people got some gyan out of this and like nice boys and girls would promptly shut down their awards, because the only awards that matter are the new awards that I am starting this year - The Ande Tamatar Awards - honoring the best of Hindi Cinema.

Watch this space for more...muahhhh...

It has started, finally

I don't see movies.. I hear movies, I talk movies, I smell movies, and I feel movies.
Hollywood is the world's pilgrimage when it comes to movies, but the Indian film industry is where the real Gods lie - Bachchan, Rahman, Aishwarya, Aamir, Gulzar.
I believe Bollywood is my religion. In fact, bollywood has all the ingredients for a religion (move aside Scientology). Bachchan is my God, songs of Rahman are my bhajans, the cinema hall is my temple and Aishwarya is my wife (ok, the last bit was not a part of religion).
I have comments on everything that goes around in bollywood. And I think they are good. I think directors should listen to me if they want to make better films. So here it is - BollywoodBytes - my avenue for discussing everything I feel about bollywood. Let the drum rolls begin...