Ande Tamatar (Eggs n Tomatoes) Awards 2007

Just yesterday, I had an idea.. an excellent business idea : A 24 hour channel on bollywood film awards. Considering the number of award functions, I'm sure i can run a 24x7 channel and have enough footage for the whole year.
It took Dilip Kumar 8 years to get 8 awards for the best actor. Today, it takes 1 to get that many. Ridiculous, simply ridiculous - it seems like a fashion - "jeb mein bahut paisa hai.. chalo awards function shuru karen". Have some brains guys (I'm talking to the organizers of shitty dime-a-dozen, no-one-cares award shows). Because of some people like you, the whole award things is a freakin' joke.
I can't imagine I actually took the pains to compile the list of all the awards and give my comments on them. For some of you who don't know how bad the situation is, here's some painful trivia:

1. Filmfare - Filmfares are technologically the most advanced awards in the world. Seriously. You would not believe that they use a high fundoo computer program for determining their awards. Here is snippet of their computer program I found when I hacked into their system (confidential):

if (film.productionhouse = "big banner")
then (best picture = film.name
best actor = film.hero
best actress = film.heroine
best director = film.director);

High tech, isn't it?
In fact, my 3 year old sister could probably guess the awards even without watching a single film. They normally have a package deal - Best Actor, Actress, Picture, and Director normally given to the same picture (Ek lo, teen muft).
Someone needs to tell the jackasses behind the awards that box office success does not equate to a good picture. The Indian viewing public is stupid (Don was a hit and Omkara below average.. need I say more?) . And the fact that they are the Oscars of bollywood shows the state we are in.

2. Star Screen Awards - The critics award. Probably the Golden Globe equivalent - the second most prestigious. I like them generally except for when the jury tries to be extra smart, eg 1995 Best Music - Rajesh Roshan for Karan Arjun AND NOT A R Rahman for Rangeela.
Gosh.. they need to make sure deaf people do not make it to the jury.

3. IIFA - The reason they exist is that they are held outside India so C grade actors like Ashmit Patel and Rakhi Sawant (more like Z grade) can travel the world for free. On top of that, a star football match where hairy guys wearing knickers try to play 'touch football' (coz they are barely able to reach the football, a goal is given if they able touch it). And yes, they come up with the craziest of nominations - Janasheen for best picture, what a joke. But Bachchan is their brand ambassador and so I won't say anything more.

4. Zee Cine Awards - Sony TV telecasts Filmfare, Star does Star Screen, so how can Zee be left out. And yes, they are the family awards, why? Because the stars don't bother to attend the awards and it is upto the family members to collect the awards on their behalf. Good for family bonding. And how can I forget, they give some of the most ridiculous awards - Eg. Shahrukh Khan given a special award for giving 2 hits in 2003 (Kal Ho Naa Ho and Chalte Chalte). What the heck on earth is that?

5. Sansui Awards - Why do you exist, seriously, why?





6. GIFA - I would have asked you the same question as #5, but I have another more important question to ask - why can't you wait for the calendar year to finish before giving out awards. It's like giving the world cup before the final is played. Please get some sense from somewhere.



7. Apsara Awards - Touted as the 'Oscar' of bollywood (well, they compete with Filmfare for that title), Apsara's distinguishing factor is that it follows the lunar calendar, coming up with time periods like April 04 - Mar 05. What nonsense? And yes, the supposed 'Oscars', the last time I saw them, were held in a small dining hall of a hotel.. wooh, that's big scale, yah? And when are they held next, you never know. They are second only to the monsoons when it comes to being erratic.

8. Bollywood Movie Awards - Holding awards outside India seems to be fashion. And by now you know why - a vacation on sponsor's money for the whole industry. Bollywood Movie Awards are clearly the flag bearer of Indian awards. Just go to their site and you'll know why. I think my 3 year old sister can make a better site if I taught her HTML for 20 minutes. And I have one request from those who visit, go to their contact us page and mail them a calendar as they have nominated Aashiq Banaya Aapne and Kabhi Alvida Naa Kehna in the same year.

Well, that's not all, there are more too and I could not be bothered about them. But at least now you know that next time you run out of ideas for your little sister's birthday party, you can always have a film awards night to celebrate it.

My last few words of advice (some gyan) for all award shows:
1. I hate the performances. I simply hate them. I see enough song and dance in every film; I don't need stage shows. It takes you 5 hours to give 20 awards. Argh.. watching you all is a pain. If you like performances, have it after the awards so that I can sleep early on the night of the telecast.
2. Best Actor in a comic role and Best Actor in a negative role are stupid awards. They were created in the days when Prem Chopra was always a bad guy and Mehmood was always the funny sidey. They were to honor these artists. Today, the film's 'hero' can be a gunda (Omkara) or a terrorist (Fanaa). He can even have an affair (Kabhi Alvida Naa Kehna). So the award for the comedian and the villian makes no sense today. If you still wanna keep them, have awards for the best actor in a tragic role, best mom, best dad, best item number girl, best chaprasi also.
3. Instead of coming up with wild ideas to honor SRK (like '2 hits in one year' award), make an award called SRK Award and just bloody give him the award.. ok!! (I am an SRK fan, by the way for those who hate me for saying this).
4. I know sponsorships are nice, but please don't over do it. It doesn't sound nice when the most prestigious film award in the country is called something like 'Fair and Lovely Filmfare Award'.
5. Please follow the solar calendar when considering films for the awards.
6. The awards are for Hindi movies, and not for actors of Indian origin only. So please don't leave out foreign actors like you did in Lagaan.
7. In a three-hero project, the bigger star is not always the only lead actor and the smaller stars (comparative terms I say) are not necessarily supporting actors. This logic is worse than the 'dog ate my homework' excuse. Eg. Yuva : Ajay lead actor, Abhishek and Vivek, supporting. Kabhi Khushi Kabhi Gham: Shahrukh lead actor, Bachchan and Hrithik, supporting. What nonsense! That also goes for 2 hero and 3+ hero projects by the way, jackasses!

That's all from me. Hope some people got some gyan out of this and like nice boys and girls would promptly shut down their awards, because the only awards that matter are the new awards that I am starting this year - The Ande Tamatar Awards - honoring the best of Hindi Cinema.

Watch this space for more...muahhhh...